December 1, 2012
MODERN LOVE
Author: Darlene Turner
Love@FromDateToMate.com
August 4, 2012
Corrosion of Intimacy
Whilst flipping through the channels late one night I came across a film called “The Great Happiness Space:Tale of an Osaka Love Thief ” on the Documentary Channel. I found myself immediately drawn in. The documentary centers on Host Clubs for women in Japan. Traditionally Host Clubs had been exclusively for men, but now those catering to women have begun to open, with flourishing popularity.The film features Rakkyo Cafe, and club owner, 22 year old Issei along with his staff of 20 young men under his training to become the most sought after escorts in Osaka’s underground love scene. Their training entails learning how to dress the part of a host, how to carry themselves, how to engage women in conversation, entertain them, tend to them, and ultimately draw them in hooking them, by offering the illusion of having a romantic relationship. This powerful emotional play effectively lures female patrons to become the sole source of income for these young men, spending as much as $10,000 dollars in one night for their company at the club.
This documentary simultaneously shatters many stereotypical notions held about people who seek the company of escorts, while reinforcing other stereotypes synonymous with those who sell themselves as a vehicle for another persons fantasy.When we think of men and women who seek escorts we usually think of lonely, unattractive, or middle to elder age people, seeking sex more so than a companion. Surprisingly we find the women who frequent host clubs in Japan are primarily young, and attractive, several even have boyfriends. Most of these young ladies are not seeking sex but rather a semblance of intimacy, a distraction from their reality, and the possibility of love. Like an addict these women are more than willing to pay the price to support the charade of their secret life. At root these women seem to be seeking the love that eludes them in the one place where it is certain to remain elusive. Those who believe they have found the love of their life with a particular host become madly obsessed, willing financial slaves. These women openly proclaim their love and devotion for “their” host to the cameras, and they readily put their money where their hearts are to prove it. Most female patrons work long hours in order to support their beloved hosts. In return club owner Issei says he and the men who work for him provide these women with their ultimate fantasy. The attention the charismatic hosts lavish upon the women is understandably intoxicating and obviously very addictive. Compliments, and laughter flow with endlessly opened $400.00 bottles of champaign throughout the night till dawn. The hosts world in these moments revolves exclusively around their most lucrative client, hanging on her every word, fulfilling her every whim for amusement.
What stood out in stark contrast to traditional paid companions is that sex seldom ever occurs between the host and client. This struck me as rather odd until I discovered that most of the female patrons are sex workers, selling their bodies and beings as fodder for others fantasies. In the host club the tables are turned, here the women are in control, they get to call the shots much like their customers at work do. It makes sense that a place where they are safe from physical violation, able to dictate the use of their bodies, while seeking simulated intimacy, and the fantasy love would be powerfully appealing to them. Who better to understand them, and not judge them for the work they do but their male counter parts? Amazingly even though many of the women know the game of illusion being played, they willingly suspend reality and play into the fantasy, fantasy that they themselves sell to others.
During their shift you see the hosts laughing, singing, drinking, being desperately sought after by love crazed women, while amassing piles of cash and might think wow, now that is the life, getting paid well to drink, party and pay attention to attractive girls. However their reality is furthest from glamorous. When the club closes you soon find out that the male hosts are sad, jaded, lonely, empty shells of men, forced to fake a persona to the point that they lose their sense of self, and forced to drink all night every night, many to the point of vomiting blood. By nights end many of the hosts are collapsed on floors and furnishings, having to be drug to their feet and practically carried out the door to the street. All belief in love, trust and women traded for cash, leaving them emotionally destitute.
What is universal is that you cannot treat your body and being like a commodity without being scathed, nor can you sell yourself as a vehicle for anothers fantasy of you without masking who you are. Behind every crafted persona is a person looking to be loved authentically for who they are, not the image they are paid to project. Capacities may vary but everyone has the desire for love and intimacy. Even the club hosts reveal they too wish they had a real love relationship, but the life they lead has dashed all hope of ever having one. Seeing the female patrons turn their favor to other hosts, and knowing that some have real life boyfriends only lends to more mistrust of women, and jadedness about love. Sex and companionship workers often see the worst in others. The toll of their work by its nature brings out the worst in them. Perhaps it is temporarily empowering for female sex workers who frequent host clubs to flip the power dynamics in their favor, however in the end it is merely a faux fix to cover the deeper wound caused by human exploit. The advent of host clubs for women does not bespeak female sexual emancipation, rather is bespeaks equality in exploitation, which connotes a societal digression rather than progression. In the end the high price paid by hosts and patrons for the illusion of love is more costly than any amount of money.
Author: Darlene Turner
http://www.fromdatetomate.com/trendy/index.html
Love@FromDateToMate.com
July 9, 2012
ADDICTED TO LOVE
Robert Palmer sang “you know you’re gonna have to face it, you’re addicted to love,” as it turns out according to a recently published study in the Journal of Sexual Medicine wherein 20 studies were examined to determine the effects of sex and love on the body, he was right. The insula and the striatum are areas in the brain responsible for tracking the way in which human sexual desire evolves into feelings of love. While lust triggers the parts of the brain responsible for the pleasurable feelings we experience through sex, love activates the parts of the brain that controls habitual behavior over time.”The change from desire to love is the bonding mechanism in relationships,”says lead author of the study Concordia Psychology Professor Jim Pfaus.He continued, “we assign different language to love and sexual desire and addiction, but really, they’re all being processed in a similar place. When we see this, the idea of love at first sight probably isn’t true. People are feeling desire.”
Our brains process love the same as it does habits over time. After lust may come love. Feelings of love transfer to the region of the brain that controls habits and reward patterns.This is the exact same pattern that occurs when people become addicted to drugs.
“Habits usually get a bad reputation, but it’s an important thing that the brain imposes. The change from desire to love is the bonding mechanism in relationships. So, really, drug addiction is an embellished expression of something perfectly normal,” said Pfaus. Bonding mechanisms influence monogamy, create connectedness, and activate us to defend our mate and offspring’s interests.The downside to this mechanism of lust potentially turning into love is that a good relationship requires more than desire and genetic compatibility, which means partners who are otherwise ill suited may wind up having their lust develop into love via habituation.
These findings explain in part why is often difficult to end a relationship that is unhealthy or that we’ve out grown. Given that the regions of the brain triggered when in love are the same as those responsible for addiction it makes sense that when relationships end some people experience physiological pain as withdrawal, their thinking becomes obsessively focused on their former mate, and they may loose interest in normal pleasures and even basic needs. Luckily for most people with time this diffuses and they are able to move on.
Author: Darlene Turner
http://www.fromdatetomate.com/trendy/index.html
Love@FromDateToMate.com
March 23, 2011
THE HISTORY OF THE KISS
Vaughn Bryant Jr., professor and head of the anthropology department at Texas A&M, said in a Chicago Tribune article that the first erotic kiss was exchanged about 1500 B.C. in India. Bryant also said that rubbing and pressing noses together, a no-tongues exchange between lovers, became popular about 1500 B.C..
It was the Romans who unleashed the kiss, as we know it today. Romans kissed each other hello, kissed the robes and rings of their leaders and kissed statues of Roman gods to signify their submission and respect. The Romans soon discovered that a kiss has many meanings and assigned words for these different types of kisses, such as osculum meaning friendship kiss, basium meaning passionate kiss, and savium meaning deep kiss, otherwise known as the French kiss. After the advent of the French Kiss, kissing encountered grave opposition from religious sectors who condemned it a venial sin. Despite opposition the kiss has triumphantly endured! And it remains one of the sweetest pleasures, and one of the most diverse expressions of affection known to mankind.
Darlene Turner
Love@FromDateToMate.com
February 10, 2011
6 Things You Need to Know That Skew Attraction
THE BIRTH CONTROL PILL
1) This wonder pill which has provided women with reproductive freedom can also wreak reproductive havoc. Infertility has become increasingly more common. One reason for this is the use of the pill. We are instinctively attracted to potential partners whose genetic make up will compliment our own, as well as compensate for whatever genetic weaknesses we might have. This biological mechanism is designed to ensure the best possible health for our offspring. The healthier our offspring are the greater their chance of survival is, which in turn aids to preserve the survival of our species.
The pill alters our body’s chemistry, which skews our innate attraction mechanisms ability to accurately perceive a fitting genetic partner. A skewed ability to detect a genetically complimentary partner can inadvertently lead us to one who is genetically incompatible, thus creating problems with infertility, heightened rates of miscarriages and less healthy offspring. Additionally, because the pill skews attraction by altering physiological chemistry, when a woman goes off the pill and her chemistry returns to its normal state the dynamic of sexual attraction between she and her partner will become altered as well. Couples may suddenly find themselves inexplicably less physically attracted to one another. Waning sexual attraction will often create conflict, hence negatively impacting a relationship.
Fix: If you are on the pill and considering making a life commitment to a partner that entails having children together opt for an alternate contraceptive. This will allow you to accurately test the biological compatibility of your relationship.
OVULATION
2) Ovulation has a fascinating altering effect on a woman. It morphs her facial features by enhancing fullness, making her appear more feminine, a signal of fertility to potential mates. Ovulation will influence a woman to dress in a more provocative, figure flattering way, an unconscious display akin to that of a peacock showing off plumage as a means to allure a mate. Studies have shown that a woman is most likely to have a girls night out, regardless of her relationship status, during ovulation. Ovulation heightens a woman’s sexual desire, making her more prone to one night stands, and straying. Ovulation also alters the type of man a woman finds attractive. When women are not ovulating they tend to prefer men with softer, rounder facial features. Such features signify lower levels of testosterone, which convey to a woman that a man is more apt to be a stable, faithful, nurturing partner and provider. However when a woman ovulates she becomes drawn to men with higher levels of testosterone, with heavier brows, and more angular lined facial bone structure, which convey heightened virility. Ovulation can skew romantic attraction by prompting a woman to act out sexually in way she otherwise would not. It can also cause a woman to be drawn to, and become involved with a man who will make a poor choice for a long term partner.
Fix: The best thing a woman can do is remain mindful of her hardwiring, and the driving motivations behind out of the norm sexually impulsive feelings and actions.
INEBRIATION
3) Imbibing to excess can cause a toad to turn into a Prince, and an ogre into Princess before your eyes. Proverbial beer goggles have lead to many coyote syndrome mornings. When you drink the reward areas of the brain known as the nucleus accumbens and ventral striatum, responsible for mediating sexual attraction, become superstimulated by dopamine. This release of dopamine makes you feel really good. Unfortunately it also makes those who otherwise would never strike you as such, appear to look really good. The compromising of cognitive abilities in this specific region of the brain is responsible for why people end up intimately engaged with those they would not normally look at, let alone touch when stone cold sober. Drinking to excess will skew your normal perception of attraction.
Fix: A simple fix is to not drink yourself stupid. It is also advised to be cautious of the company you keep when drinking, or you may well awake in the morning with breeders remorse, or worse.
D.O.A. ATTITUDE
4) Ironically sometimes a person who is interested in you romantically will exhibit the exact same signs and signals as someone who is completely disinterested in you romantically. Confusing right? This happens when a person has already counted them self out, by presuming the interest they have in you is not mutual. Much like the baseball player whose game was off the entire season isn’t going to be demonstrating on pins and needles anticipation, awaiting the announcement of the seasons MVP, the person who is convinced they have no chance with you romantically won’t display signals of interest. This presumption effectively kills off any romantic possibility through emitting signals of disinterest. A D.O.A attitude will cause one to miss out on potential romantic opportunities.
The Fix: Never put a nail in the coffin of romantic possibility based on presumptions. Stay open minded. A defeatist attitude typically stems from insecurities. It is important to remember not to compare yourself to others. Focus on YOU, and all the positive things you have to offer someone in a relationship. If you do not feel good about yourself take the time to invest in working on your self-esteem.
MISCONSTRUED FRIENDLINESS
5) Studies have shown that our gender impacts our romantic perceptions. Women for instance tend to rate their physical appeal as lower than it actually is, while men on the other hand tend to rate their physical appeal as higher than it actually is. In fact men tend to inflate their perceived appeal all around, a proclivity which can lead to the misinterpretation of a woman’s romantic interest. Studies have shown that men commonly mistake women who are warm, and friendly as being sexually attracted to them. Whereas women on the other hand are more apt to write off a man who is attracted to her, as just being a warm and friendly, rather than being romantically interested in her. These gender skewed perspectives can easily lead to crossed romantic signals between men and women.
Fix: Be mindful of these inclinations when interacting with the opposite sex. Men, if you are interested in a woman and you can’t get a read on her you need to turn it up a notch, and let her know you are interested. Ladies, be mindful of the possibility that there may be more to his friendliness than meets the eye. If you are interested in him flirt with him and find out.
ANTIDEPRESSANTS
6) Millions of people still in their reproductive years are taking antidepressants with selective serotonin-reuptake inhibitors. In the United States, in 2004, sales of antidepressants were cited by Morais, to account for $14 billion dollars of wholesale pharmaceutical revenue. Use of these medications come at another price, the expense of ones romantic and sexual life. The use of serotonin enhancer’s has been reported to cause one or more forms of sexual dysfunction in as many as 73% percent of patients. These dysfunctions hinder sexual desire, lubrication, sexual arousal, genital sensation, erection, ejaculation and orgasm. In addition selective serotonin-reuptake inhibiting medications can cause weight gain, as well as cause emotional blunting.
However Dr. Helen Fisher proposes that serotonin enhancing medications can have a far more reaching effect on the neural correlates of the three primary brain systems for companionate love, male-female attachment, romantic love, sex drive, reproduction, courtship, mating, and pair formation. Serotonin enhancers can not only jeopardize ones ability to fall in love, they can prevent them from being able to maintain a stable long term relationship, due to emotional blunting, and sexual dysfunction prohibiting essential biochemical bonding via intimacy and orgasm.The use of these medications can go so far as to literally sever romantic ties, and snuff out feelings for a long term partner, even in formerly happy relationships.
Use of such antidepressants can also negatively effect a woman’s fertility. “Serotonin increases prolactin levels by inhibiting dopamine activity and stimulating prolactin-releasing factors. Prolactin can impair fertility through several mechanisms, including suppressing hypothalamic gonadotropin-releasing hormone release, suppressing pituitary FSH and LG release, and suppressing ovarian hormone production.” (Hendrick, Gitlin Altshuler & Korenman, 2000) It should also be noted that clomipramine, a particularly strong serotonin-enhancing antidepressant, adversely affects sperm volume and motility, (Maier & Koinig 1994.)
Fix: Be cognizant of the ways in which serotonin-enhancers may be affecting your love life. Discuss medication options with your doctor. There are various antidepressants such as Wellbutrin, which have a very low incidence of sexual dysfunction. If you are already on, or going to go on an antidepressant with serotonin-enhancers make your loved ones aware of the potential side effects so they can inform you if they notice any of the aforementioned significant changes.
Written by Darlene Turner (c) 2011
Love@fromdatetomate.com
November 4, 2010
BLONDE BY DESIGN
have found blondes get noticed more, a discovery affirmed by science. Blonde hair first appeared between 10-25 thousand years ago in Northern and Eastern Europe. According to anthropologist Peter Frost women with blonde hair had a competitive edge over their dark tress counterparts when vying for a male partner. Men found the rarity and brightness of blonde hair highly alluring. In a sea of brunettes on the market blondes stand out like shiny eye catching packaging. Given that even the whitest of toe heads find their vibrant blonde locks beginning to fade as they reach into their twenties it is no surprise that being blonde is associated with youthfulness. Youthfulness conveys fertility, which in turn translates into blonde haired lasses being the empress’s of feminine sex appeal. A girl need not go all out Marilyn Monroe blonde to have this polarizing effect on the opposite sex. Researchers have found that blonde highlights evoke the same allure. Not everything about life in the blonde lane is golden, and soon after having turned I found out about the down side of life on the light side. Sans my hair color I was unchanged, yet I went from being treated as a bright brunette to an assumingly unintelligent piece of blonde eye candy. This was not some peroxide induced perceptual paranoia on my part, social science researchers have found that people unconsciously alter the way in which they interact with 
blondes, due to exposure to societally ingrained stereotypical beliefs that blondes are less intelligent. At the University of Paris X-Nanterre men’s ability to complete general knowledge tests after having been exposed to women with different hair colors was examined. Throughout the double trials conducted male participants who were exposed to photos of blondes recorded the lowest scores. Thierry Meyer, joint author of the study published in the Journal of Experimental Psychology, and professor of social psychology at the university, concludes “This proves that people confronted with stereotypes generally behave in line with them. In this case blondes have the potential to make people act in a dumber way, because they mimic the unconscious stereotype of the dumb blonde.” This validates that my use of peroxide has not eroded my intelligence, but rather incites mimicry of stereotype associated stupidity in others.
I struggled adjusting to this foreign way of being perceived. Of course I could have easily gone back to my former, though less aesthetically suited dark chestnut hair color, or de-sexualized myself by getting a buzz cut and dressing in a sexually ambiguous fashion, but none of these options seemed a suitable solution to me. Never one to cow tow to society’s expectations my frustration lead to an uprising, inspiring my own form of blonde ambition! I decided to use my blonde locks to my advantage. Not in the sex symbol sense, but to glean insight about others through their treatment of me. My own social science study if you will. I decided to have fun with it! And fun in many forms I have had! When blonde bias causes others to perceive you as knowing the least, it presents you with a golden opportunity to learn the most. This approach has helped me separate the ethical from the unethical sales people, the savory from the unsavory suitors, as well as discerning which new people to befriend. At times I like to see the lengths of condescendence those with such prejudice will go to.
For example when I met my neighbor John for the first time it was clear from his spewing of uncensored thoughts that his was a strong personality. It was also instantly clear that he could not see beyond the surface of my blonde waves and ample bosom. I decided rather than jumping in and pointedly letting it be known that there was more to me, in this case it would be far more interesting to play the part of the assumed blonde stereotype in his presence. At gatherings he would dominate the conversation. I’d just smile, nod and interject little, after all what would a blonde air head like me have to say anyway? I could not pass him on the street or at a social gathering without him blatantly commenting on my physical attractiveness. John had absolutely no qualms about telling the same recycled blonde jokes that have been told at nauseam. On such occasions I’d smile slightly and give a deliberately puzzled stare. All the while I was observing, and learning more about the personality dynamics that prompted his behavior. As time went on John seemed to take more and more of a liking to my persona of the pleasant, dumb, docile non-threatening blonde, and his remarks about my appeal to him became more and more charged. One night while giving my ex and I a tour of an old mansion he bought and was restoring he paused looked at me, then at my ex saying wow you are really one lucky bastard, I hate you. We were both quite startled by this pronouncement. Not too long after this incident John discovered that I was teaching courses at a local college, and asked me about it. I filled him on how one of the administrators had asked me to give a presentation to faculty and local entrepreneurs’ and had enjoyed it so much she asked me if I would teach some courses. I remember thinking to myself the gig is up, obviously the college wouldn’t hire a bumbling blonde idiot to educate their students. However much to my surprise this development did nothing to make him reevaluate his perception of me, a fact which I found astounding. On this note I decided to officially close the file on my experiment with John, and gradually faded him out of my life like the blonde from my roots.
Studies have shown that men around the globe, with the exception of Scandinavia, overwhelmingly find women with 
blonde tresses more desirable than women with brunette or red tresses. While society crowns blondes as glamorous, sexually alluring, youthful, fertile, more fun, the epitome of feminine sexuality, it simultaneously dethrones them by stereotyping blondes as dumb, naive, easy, air heads, devalued to nothing more than eye candy only offerings. What is the motivating force behind this behavior? One could argue that feeling threatened is what lies behind this dichotomy. Humans seem to have an intrinsic need to dismantle that which bestows power over us through idolization. The potent drive of sexual attraction has a powerful hardwired hold over men, leaving them knowingly at the mercy of their animal instincts. With their brain riding shotgun and their libido in the drivers seat, men become easy prey for manipulation, a disadvantage which creates resentment in some, particularly those most susceptible to being preyed upon. The motivating force behind the role women play in this social dynamic may lie in the fact that the truth is gentlemen really do prefer blondes. Given that the vast population of women around the world are brunettes perhaps explains from a competitive evolutionary stance why non-blonde women would have a vested interest perpetuating negative blonde stereotypes.
Clearly the roots of blonde bias stem from various motivations and thrive through the societally accepted perpetuation of asinine blonde stereotypes. Some of which are promoted in subtle ways. Like a commercial for toning sneakers in which a blonde woman is portrayed as having foolishly bought the wrong brand of inferior toning sneakers. She passes a hot man on a walking path who openly sneers at her choice in footwear, causing her to self consciously walk away. Moments later the man crosses paths with an obviously savvy brunette woman, smugly sporting the manufacturer’s brand of toning sneakers. The man rubber necks it in admiration as the brunette woman smirks and raises her nose in the air as she walks past. Sometimes the societally endorsed prejudice against blondes is not so subtle. While perusing hair care products at a local drug store I came across Bead Head’s “Dumb Blonde” hair care product line by TIGI. I couldn’t help but wonder how a product line that referred to any other demographic as “Dumb” would go over. I doubt it would be well received. More aptly TIGI should have named their “Dumb Blonde” product line “Dumb Advertisers” for giving it such an inexcusably biased, ignorant name.
The attribute of being dumb is not one uniquely bestowed to blondes, it is equally distributed throughout every shade 
of hair color on the planet. For proof of this one need not look any further than public figures such as Snookie, Sara Palin, George Bush Jr., Bombshell Mcgee, Christine O’Donell, Sean Penn, Lindsey Lohan, Kayne West, Megan Fox and the list goes on. However blondes are the only ones marred by the prejudice of being unintelligent. Despite the fact that the world is mainly comprised of non-blondes, meaning it is actually non-blondes who comprise the largest percentage of the intellectually challenged throughout the world…Which begs the question, who are the dumb ones?
Darlene Turner
Relationship & Communication Expert
(c) 2010
October 21, 2010
ISO LOVE DO’S & DON’TS
Darlene Turner
Relationship & Communication Expert
(c) 2010
October 15, 2010
Insight to Attraction in Hindsight….
Darlene Turner
Relationship & Communication Expert
(c) 2010
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