February 23, 2011
Dating: Communication Approaches
PART 1
EFFICACY & ETHICS
Derren Brown recently tackled topics involving the science of attraction. His goal, to put the information and advice experts dish out about love to the test, in his own experiments. In one such experiment Brown explored the most effective communication approach to dating success. Three twenty-something single ladies were recruited to go on a succession of speed dates with three twenty-something single men. Unknown to the ladies the men were all paid actors who had been given explicit directives on how they were to interact and communicate with the ladies on their dates. Man “A” was instructed to implement open body language, display confidence and mildly tease his dates, which Brown termed as using “dating techniques”. Man “B” was instructed to remain completely neutral, and not to be flirtatious, or try to impress the ladies. Man “C” was instructed play the part of a self absorbed, arrogant, sleazy, jerk.
At the end of their dates the ladies were pooled together and asked about their impression of each man. They were then asked who their top pick would be to go out on another date with, followed by who their second choice would be. As their top pick each of the ladies selected a different man, indicating Brown concluded, that people have a wide range in taste when it comes to partners. Two of the ladies, one of whom selected “B”, the neutral man as her top pick, and the other lady who had selected “C”, the sleazy jerk as her top pick both chose “A” the man who used dating techniques as their second choice. In toll man “A” was declared as the over all winner insofar as popularity amongst the women. The utilization of “dating techniques” Brown concluded, proved to be the most successful approach.
In closing it was said that “dating techniques” promote better communication skills and increase confidence, adding as if converse, however it is best to be yourself and confident in who you are. It was further noted, that using dating techniques to manipulate others may work in the short term but will eventually backfire when people find out who you really are.
I completely agree that the use of misrepresentation and/or manipulation for selfish gain is never acceptable. Inevitably such tactics will backfire on those who use them, this is true. However I take issue in part with Brown’s summation. Brown doesn’t acknowledge, or perhaps seem to understand that the ethical usage of enhanced communication skills, such as those implemented by man “A” on his dates, have absolutely nothing at all to do with obscuring who you are. Brown seems to be confusing, and lumping in seedy “dating trickery techniques”, used by the likes of self proclaimed get laid gurus, such as Mystery and Ross Jeffries, with the use of enhanced communication skills. The motivation and ethics between the two approaches are complete polar opposites.
The use of open body language to signal hey, its OK to approach me/I’m open to chatting with you, or consciously displaying confidence is hardly manipulative, nor does it amount to lying about who you are in any way. It is merely a means to communicate what you are feeling on another level. Communication skills such as these help to take some of the guess work out of the equation, which in turn makes it easier for people to get to know each other and discover whether or not they share romantic chemistry. The utilization of enhanced communication skills is actually a more thoughtful mode of interaction. Their use shows that you care about the other person’s level of comfort. It also displays that you are open, and interested enough in them to make a conscious effort to learn more about who they are. Which is why when the lady who chose man “A” as her top pick, was asked why she liked him best she replied, ” “A” was really open, and he seemed like he wanted to get to know me.”
You may be wondering how then does one explain the diverse top pick choices amongst the three ladies? Why wasn’t man “A”, who used enhanced communication skills every woman’s top pick? We will explore this and more in part 2.
Love@FromDateToMate.com
February 10, 2011
6 Things You Need to Know That Skew Attraction
THE BIRTH CONTROL PILL
1) This wonder pill which has provided women with reproductive freedom can also wreak reproductive havoc. Infertility has become increasingly more common. One reason for this is the use of the pill. We are instinctively attracted to potential partners whose genetic make up will compliment our own, as well as compensate for whatever genetic weaknesses we might have. This biological mechanism is designed to ensure the best possible health for our offspring. The healthier our offspring are the greater their chance of survival is, which in turn aids to preserve the survival of our species.
The pill alters our body’s chemistry, which skews our innate attraction mechanisms ability to accurately perceive a fitting genetic partner. A skewed ability to detect a genetically complimentary partner can inadvertently lead us to one who is genetically incompatible, thus creating problems with infertility, heightened rates of miscarriages and less healthy offspring. Additionally, because the pill skews attraction by altering physiological chemistry, when a woman goes off the pill and her chemistry returns to its normal state the dynamic of sexual attraction between she and her partner will become altered as well. Couples may suddenly find themselves inexplicably less physically attracted to one another. Waning sexual attraction will often create conflict, hence negatively impacting a relationship.
Fix: If you are on the pill and considering making a life commitment to a partner that entails having children together opt for an alternate contraceptive. This will allow you to accurately test the biological compatibility of your relationship.
OVULATION
2) Ovulation has a fascinating altering effect on a woman. It morphs her facial features by enhancing fullness, making her appear more feminine, a signal of fertility to potential mates. Ovulation will influence a woman to dress in a more provocative, figure flattering way, an unconscious display akin to that of a peacock showing off plumage as a means to allure a mate. Studies have shown that a woman is most likely to have a girls night out, regardless of her relationship status, during ovulation. Ovulation heightens a woman’s sexual desire, making her more prone to one night stands, and straying. Ovulation also alters the type of man a woman finds attractive. When women are not ovulating they tend to prefer men with softer, rounder facial features. Such features signify lower levels of testosterone, which convey to a woman that a man is more apt to be a stable, faithful, nurturing partner and provider. However when a woman ovulates she becomes drawn to men with higher levels of testosterone, with heavier brows, and more angular lined facial bone structure, which convey heightened virility. Ovulation can skew romantic attraction by prompting a woman to act out sexually in way she otherwise would not. It can also cause a woman to be drawn to, and become involved with a man who will make a poor choice for a long term partner.
Fix: The best thing a woman can do is remain mindful of her hardwiring, and the driving motivations behind out of the norm sexually impulsive feelings and actions.
INEBRIATION
3) Imbibing to excess can cause a toad to turn into a Prince, and an ogre into Princess before your eyes. Proverbial beer goggles have lead to many coyote syndrome mornings. When you drink the reward areas of the brain known as the nucleus accumbens and ventral striatum, responsible for mediating sexual attraction, become superstimulated by dopamine. This release of dopamine makes you feel really good. Unfortunately it also makes those who otherwise would never strike you as such, appear to look really good. The compromising of cognitive abilities in this specific region of the brain is responsible for why people end up intimately engaged with those they would not normally look at, let alone touch when stone cold sober. Drinking to excess will skew your normal perception of attraction.
Fix: A simple fix is to not drink yourself stupid. It is also advised to be cautious of the company you keep when drinking, or you may well awake in the morning with breeders remorse, or worse.
D.O.A. ATTITUDE
4) Ironically sometimes a person who is interested in you romantically will exhibit the exact same signs and signals as someone who is completely disinterested in you romantically. Confusing right? This happens when a person has already counted them self out, by presuming the interest they have in you is not mutual. Much like the baseball player whose game was off the entire season isn’t going to be demonstrating on pins and needles anticipation, awaiting the announcement of the seasons MVP, the person who is convinced they have no chance with you romantically won’t display signals of interest. This presumption effectively kills off any romantic possibility through emitting signals of disinterest. A D.O.A attitude will cause one to miss out on potential romantic opportunities.
The Fix: Never put a nail in the coffin of romantic possibility based on presumptions. Stay open minded. A defeatist attitude typically stems from insecurities. It is important to remember not to compare yourself to others. Focus on YOU, and all the positive things you have to offer someone in a relationship. If you do not feel good about yourself take the time to invest in working on your self-esteem.
MISCONSTRUED FRIENDLINESS
5) Studies have shown that our gender impacts our romantic perceptions. Women for instance tend to rate their physical appeal as lower than it actually is, while men on the other hand tend to rate their physical appeal as higher than it actually is. In fact men tend to inflate their perceived appeal all around, a proclivity which can lead to the misinterpretation of a woman’s romantic interest. Studies have shown that men commonly mistake women who are warm, and friendly as being sexually attracted to them. Whereas women on the other hand are more apt to write off a man who is attracted to her, as just being a warm and friendly, rather than being romantically interested in her. These gender skewed perspectives can easily lead to crossed romantic signals between men and women.
Fix: Be mindful of these inclinations when interacting with the opposite sex. Men, if you are interested in a woman and you can’t get a read on her you need to turn it up a notch, and let her know you are interested. Ladies, be mindful of the possibility that there may be more to his friendliness than meets the eye. If you are interested in him flirt with him and find out.
ANTIDEPRESSANTS
6) Millions of people still in their reproductive years are taking antidepressants with selective serotonin-reuptake inhibitors. In the United States, in 2004, sales of antidepressants were cited by Morais, to account for $14 billion dollars of wholesale pharmaceutical revenue. Use of these medications come at another price, the expense of ones romantic and sexual life. The use of serotonin enhancer’s has been reported to cause one or more forms of sexual dysfunction in as many as 73% percent of patients. These dysfunctions hinder sexual desire, lubrication, sexual arousal, genital sensation, erection, ejaculation and orgasm. In addition selective serotonin-reuptake inhibiting medications can cause weight gain, as well as cause emotional blunting.
However Dr. Helen Fisher proposes that serotonin enhancing medications can have a far more reaching effect on the neural correlates of the three primary brain systems for companionate love, male-female attachment, romantic love, sex drive, reproduction, courtship, mating, and pair formation. Serotonin enhancers can not only jeopardize ones ability to fall in love, they can prevent them from being able to maintain a stable long term relationship, due to emotional blunting, and sexual dysfunction prohibiting essential biochemical bonding via intimacy and orgasm.The use of these medications can go so far as to literally sever romantic ties, and snuff out feelings for a long term partner, even in formerly happy relationships.
Use of such antidepressants can also negatively effect a woman’s fertility. “Serotonin increases prolactin levels by inhibiting dopamine activity and stimulating prolactin-releasing factors. Prolactin can impair fertility through several mechanisms, including suppressing hypothalamic gonadotropin-releasing hormone release, suppressing pituitary FSH and LG release, and suppressing ovarian hormone production.” (Hendrick, Gitlin Altshuler & Korenman, 2000) It should also be noted that clomipramine, a particularly strong serotonin-enhancing antidepressant, adversely affects sperm volume and motility, (Maier & Koinig 1994.)
Fix: Be cognizant of the ways in which serotonin-enhancers may be affecting your love life. Discuss medication options with your doctor. There are various antidepressants such as Wellbutrin, which have a very low incidence of sexual dysfunction. If you are already on, or going to go on an antidepressant with serotonin-enhancers make your loved ones aware of the potential side effects so they can inform you if they notice any of the aforementioned significant changes.
Written by Darlene Turner (c) 2011
Love@fromdatetomate.com
February 9, 2011
Valentines Day is deemed a special occasion on which you throw open the flood gates of passion, romance, and love, and set sail on the sentimental seas of ecstasy, allowing the unspoken depth of your love to roll freely, in poetic verse from tongue. Quite an exciting itinerary! But why take this euphoric expedition only once per year? There is no limited time offer on love, so why limit these offerings to Valentines Day? My philosophy is one should live sensually, with romance as a way of life rather than something you break out on occasion like a fine, aged wine. Sexy lingerie, adventuresome romps, thoughtful surprises, the sharing of novel experiences, spontaneity, and “I love you” are a central part of deeply, satisfying relationship repertoire…Subscribe to this and discover for yourself.
February 8, 2011
Weeks before the arrival of February stores are adorned in pink and red hearts, cupids are a-flutter everywhere, candy aisles and card aisles are transformed into commercial camps of romance. Florists, teddy bear, pajama gram companies and the like, take to airwaves and print pitching their promise of a “perfect” Valentines Day product. Ah, the sweet smell of love is in the air, or perhaps the rancid stench of a Hallmark holiday, or an unwelcome solo status reminder, depending upon whom you ask.
As a dating and relationship coach the nearing of Valentines Day brings an influx of questions and concerns from clients, to my web column readers. Clearly Valentines Day is a holiday representative of many things to many people, some of which are a source of anxiety for both men and women alike. To some women Valentines Day is like the super bowl of sexy, they feel pressured to suit up, and score that idealized romantic evening winning touchdown. While many men see Valentines Day as a litmus test of their love and the
pressure they feel to pass can be immense, and often rightly warranted. Valentines Day can be a somber day for those who have lost a loved one, as well as for those who have yet to find the right mate. Partners who have drifted apart may experience Valentines Day as a wistful reminder of the intense romantic passion once felt, now faded between them. For those whose past Valentines Day expectations were unmet it is a day that can resurrect resentments. For the romantically wounded Valentines Day is a day best forgotten, and for those who view Valentines Day as a capitalist commercialization of love it is a holiday to boycott. In light of this it is no wonder that Valentines Day causes expectations and anxieties to run high.
In a recent web poll that I conducted 64% of people said they loathe rather than love Valentines Day.Of course it is not love, nor the expressing of love itself that people loathe, it is what this once benign holiday has come to represent. Valentines Day began simply enough as a Christian celebration of martyr saints bearing the name Valentine. Then in Europe, during the Middle Ages, Valentines Day became a day on which one selected a sweetheart, a notion which later spread to the colonies in America. In the16th century the custom 
of giving your beloved a personally handmade card on Valentines Day was started. This custom was later capitalized upon by companies in the early 1800’s, which began mass producing Valentines Day cards, thus officially beginning the “business” of Valentines Day. Perhaps arguably it was the fusion with commercialization that began the shift in people’s perception of Valentines Day, and raised expectations, thus creating the emotional convolution we see today. What was once a sweet and simple custom of giving a handmade card to your beloved has turned into a massive Valentines Day product marketing campaign, racking up multimillions in sales each year. We have all heard the saying “you can’t buy love”, but that certainly hasn’t stopped it from being sold. Companies
saturate us with their agenda driven ad directives that tell you what you should want, and what you need to buy. They barrage us with fantastical models of love and happiness, all of which they claim can be yours, with the purchase their product. For those not in a relationship, Valentines Day ad campaigns only serve to heighten this fact. 
Those to whom advertisers can’t sell their Valentines Day wares don’t matter, a message clearly not lost in translation. As Valentines Day approaches keeping in mind that your value as a person is not based on whether you are in a relationship or not, nor mirrored in the reflection of messages advertisers send, but found in your own eyes, can be a challenging perspective to maintain, even for the happiest of singletons.
I have never been a fan of obligatory displays of affection. In my book, if a gift or romantic gesture it is not heartfelt and internally inspired it has no real meaning.
Valentines Day should not be approached as the one day per year, set aside out of 365, to express the depth of our love for one another, for it is what we do, and express in the days interim that truly represents the depth of the love we feel. Unfortunately many people get caught up in thinking that the love shown on Valentines Day is representative of their relationship as a whole, which it is not. I know of many abusers, and cheating partners who pull out all the stops on Valentines Day. I call this “salvation spending.” A guilty conscience tends to spend freely. Valentines Day is a day of the heart best viewed from the perspective of the head. It is not the litmus test of love, nor is it about how much money is spent, true love comes freely. It is not a measure of your love for one another, but an extension of the love you feel. Personally I am always in favor of seizing an opportunity to express love, including on Valentines Day. 
As long as you continue to seize opportunities to express your love throughout the rest of the year as well, and forgo placing undo pressure and unrealistic expectations upon yourself and the one you love on this holiday. Remember loving someone is a 365 day a year action, not an annual effort accompanied by a sound bite sentiment printed on a card…If only it were that easy.
Darlene Turner
(c) 2010
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