Dating: Communication Approaches

February 23, 2011

Dating: Communication Approaches

PART 1

EFFICACY & ETHICS

 

Derren Brown recently tackled topics involving the science of attraction. His goal, to put the information and advice experts dish out about love to the test, in his own experiments. In one such experiment Brown explored the most effective communication approach to dating success. Three twenty-something single ladies were recruited to go on a succession of speed dates with three twenty-something single men. Unknown to the ladies the men were all paid actors who had been given explicit directives on how they were to interact and communicate with the ladies on their dates. Man “A” was instructed to implement open body language, display confidence and mildly tease his dates, which Brown termed as using “dating techniques”. Man “B” was instructed to remain completely neutral, and not to be flirtatious, or try to impress the ladies. Man “C” was instructed play the part of a self absorbed, arrogant, sleazy, jerk.

At the end of their dates the ladies were pooled together and asked about their impression of each man. They were then asked who their top pick would be to go out on another date with, followed by who their second choice would be. As their top pick each of the ladies selected a different man, indicating Brown concluded, that people have a wide range in taste when it comes to partners. Two of the ladies, one of whom selected “B”, the neutral man as her top pick, and the other lady who had selected “C”, the sleazy jerk as her top pick both chose “A” the man who used dating techniques as their second choice.  In toll man “A” was declared as the over all winner insofar as popularity amongst the women. The utilization of “dating techniques” Brown concluded, proved to be the most successful approach.

In closing it was said that “dating techniques” promote better communication skills and increase confidence, adding as if converse, however it is best to be yourself and confident in who you are. It was further noted, that using dating techniques to manipulate others may work in the short term but will eventually backfire when people find out who you really are.

I completely agree that the use of misrepresentation and/or manipulation for selfish gain is never acceptable. Inevitably such tactics will backfire on those who use them, this is true. However I take issue in part with Brown’s summation. Brown doesn’t acknowledge, or perhaps seem to understand that the ethical usage of enhanced communication skills, such as those implemented by man “A” on his dates, have absolutely nothing at all to do with obscuring who you are. Brown seems to be confusing, and lumping in seedy “dating trickery techniques”, used by the likes of self proclaimed get laid gurus, such as Mystery and Ross Jeffries, with the use of enhanced communication skills. The motivation and ethics between the two approaches are complete polar opposites.

The use of open body language to signal hey, its OK to approach me/I’m open to chatting with you, or consciously displaying confidence is hardly manipulative, nor does it amount to lying about who you are in any way. It is merely a means to communicate what you are feeling on another level. Communication skills such as these help to take some of the guess work out of the equation, which in turn makes it easier for people to get to know each other and discover whether or not they share romantic chemistry. The utilization of enhanced communication skills is actually a more thoughtful mode of interaction. Their use shows that you care about the other person’s level of comfort. It also displays that you are open, and interested enough in them to make a conscious effort to learn more about who they are. Which is why when the lady who chose man “A” as her top pick, was asked why  she liked him best she replied, ” “A” was really open, and he seemed like he wanted to get to know me.”

You may be wondering how then does one explain the diverse top pick choices amongst the three ladies? Why wasn’t man “A”, who used enhanced communication skills every woman’s top pick? We will explore this and more in part 2.

Love@FromDateToMate.com

Permalink