March 4, 2011
Dating: Communication Approaches
Part 2
ATTRACTION & SUCCESS
Dating success, defined in Brown’s experiment as one who garners the most dates overall, was achieved by man “A”. However the fact remains that both man “B” and “C” were the first choice selections of two out of the three ladies. The ladies believed that they would have an opportunity to go on another date with the man whom they were most interested in. It can be concluded that the first man they selected was the one who they were most viscerally attracted to. The visceral nature of their choices brings to light the bigger picture, which involves the love map component of attraction and begs the question, what truly defines dating/relationship success?
When it comes to psychological attraction the route of a persons love map is what steers their partner selection. If someone is unconsciously attracted to partners who are unhealthy, i.e. emotionally unavailable, abusive, co-dependent etc., a healthier potential partner will feel foreign, rather than familiar and therefore be far less appealing. Romantic rejection is hard not to personalize, but you must step back and look at the big picture. Remember no matter how wonderful, good looking, etc. you are, if the other persons love map does not align with yours the attraction will not be a mutual one.*It is important to note that for some women financial security is a 
priority which supersedes the need for visceral physical attraction, just as for some men a woman’s physical appearance is a priority which supersedes the quality of her internal attributes.
Think of the person you are attached to, or attracted to as a mirror that reflects where you are in your emotional development. They are a reflection of how you feel about yourself, how you view love, i.e. as blissful, a headache, or heartache etc., and a reflection of the type of treatment you believe you are worthy of. For example, the woman who chose man “C”, the arrogant jerk, most likely has a love map that draws her to men who are critical, who won’t meet her needs, and to relationships in which she subjugated. To a healthier woman man “C’s” approach and behavior would be absolutely intolerable. However man “C’s” approach will actually appeal to women with love maps wherein such treatment has an etched in association with love. As Brown pointed out tastes in partners are wide ranging. So are people’s emotional needs, and their capacity for intimacy. Which explains why man “A’s” open, engaging, accessible approach did not viscerally resonate equally with every woman.
Brown and I differ on our definition of what success is in the realm of relationships. Success in finding someone to date is in no way mutually exclusive with, nor even remotely indicative of the health or functionality of a relationship, both of which are crucial factors for success insofar as long term happiness in a relationship. As well, the length of a relationship in and of itself does not define success either. Think of common toxic relationship pairings, the enabler/addict, the duel users, the abuser/victim, the rescuer/wounded, the megalomaniac/martyr, the sinner/saint and so on.
They are all examples of people who have successfully managed to attract one another. Many couples such as these often become enmeshed in long term toxic relationships. They remain stuck in these relationships because they are anchored down by fear based reasoning that serves to justify staying together despite being unhappy. When logic is governed by fear it prevents the ability to see that another way is possible, therefore the people involved in toxic relationships often accept their circumstance as ”love”. Co-dependence has nothing to do with love. In fact it has everything to do with a lack of love for oneself. Dysfunction is a cunning, deceptive impostor of Love. It may in some ways imitate relationship success, but a relationship without interdependence and authentic, healthy love is not a successful one.
As far as success and approach are concerned it boils down to this; whether ones approach is to utilize enhanced communication skills, behave like an arrogant jerk, or remain neutral (which it should be noted sends a signal of romantic disinterest), ultimately we attract, unconsciously gravitate toward, and cast those working off a similar vision of love script as our love interest. Be it functional or dysfunctional, love map compatibility is what seals the deal on attraction, approach is secondary.
Know that even if you have had a history of dysfunctional, or less than ideal relationships in the past, and who amongst us hasn’t, that is why they are in the past, the good news is that the course of your love map is not set in stone. With motivation, self awareness, and a conscious effort to grow beyond your set point, you have the ability to positively alter the format of your love map. The reformatting of your love map will make powerful changes that will enable you to attract a mate with whom you can experience genuine relationship success. Invest in yourself, and discover how you can attain the authentic love you desire and deserve.
Darlene Turner
Love@FromDateToMate.com
February 23, 2011
Dating: Communication Approaches
PART 1
EFFICACY & ETHICS
Derren Brown recently tackled topics involving the science of attraction. His goal, to put the information and advice experts dish out about love to the test, in his own experiments. In one such experiment Brown explored the most effective communication approach to dating success. Three twenty-something single ladies were recruited to go on a succession of speed dates with three twenty-something single men. Unknown to the ladies the men were all paid actors who had been given explicit directives on how they were to interact and communicate with the ladies on their dates. Man “A” was instructed to implement open body language, display confidence and mildly tease his dates, which Brown termed as using “dating techniques”. Man “B” was instructed to remain completely neutral, and not to be flirtatious, or try to impress the ladies. Man “C” was instructed play the part of a self absorbed, arrogant, sleazy, jerk.
At the end of their dates the ladies were pooled together and asked about their impression of each man. They were then asked who their top pick would be to go out on another date with, followed by who their second choice would be. As their top pick each of the ladies selected a different man, indicating Brown concluded, that people have a wide range in taste when it comes to partners. Two of the ladies, one of whom selected “B”, the neutral man as her top pick, and the other lady who had selected “C”, the sleazy jerk as her top pick both chose “A” the man who used dating techniques as their second choice. In toll man “A” was declared as the over all winner insofar as popularity amongst the women. The utilization of “dating techniques” Brown concluded, proved to be the most successful approach.
In closing it was said that “dating techniques” promote better communication skills and increase confidence, adding as if converse, however it is best to be yourself and confident in who you are. It was further noted, that using dating techniques to manipulate others may work in the short term but will eventually backfire when people find out who you really are.
I completely agree that the use of misrepresentation and/or manipulation for selfish gain is never acceptable. Inevitably such tactics will backfire on those who use them, this is true. However I take issue in part with Brown’s summation. Brown doesn’t acknowledge, or perhaps seem to understand that the ethical usage of enhanced communication skills, such as those implemented by man “A” on his dates, have absolutely nothing at all to do with obscuring who you are. Brown seems to be confusing, and lumping in seedy “dating trickery techniques”, used by the likes of self proclaimed get laid gurus, such as Mystery and Ross Jeffries, with the use of enhanced communication skills. The motivation and ethics between the two approaches are complete polar opposites.
The use of open body language to signal hey, its OK to approach me/I’m open to chatting with you, or consciously displaying confidence is hardly manipulative, nor does it amount to lying about who you are in any way. It is merely a means to communicate what you are feeling on another level. Communication skills such as these help to take some of the guess work out of the equation, which in turn makes it easier for people to get to know each other and discover whether or not they share romantic chemistry. The utilization of enhanced communication skills is actually a more thoughtful mode of interaction. Their use shows that you care about the other person’s level of comfort. It also displays that you are open, and interested enough in them to make a conscious effort to learn more about who they are. Which is why when the lady who chose man “A” as her top pick, was asked why she liked him best she replied, ” “A” was really open, and he seemed like he wanted to get to know me.”
You may be wondering how then does one explain the diverse top pick choices amongst the three ladies? Why wasn’t man “A”, who used enhanced communication skills every woman’s top pick? We will explore this and more in part 2.
Love@FromDateToMate.com
February 10, 2011
6 Things You Need to Know That Skew Attraction
THE BIRTH CONTROL PILL
1) This wonder pill which has provided women with reproductive freedom can also wreak reproductive havoc. Infertility has become increasingly more common. One reason for this is the use of the pill. We are instinctively attracted to potential partners whose genetic make up will compliment our own, as well as compensate for whatever genetic weaknesses we might have. This biological mechanism is designed to ensure the best possible health for our offspring. The healthier our offspring are the greater their chance of survival is, which in turn aids to preserve the survival of our species.
The pill alters our body’s chemistry, which skews our innate attraction mechanisms ability to accurately perceive a fitting genetic partner. A skewed ability to detect a genetically complimentary partner can inadvertently lead us to one who is genetically incompatible, thus creating problems with infertility, heightened rates of miscarriages and less healthy offspring. Additionally, because the pill skews attraction by altering physiological chemistry, when a woman goes off the pill and her chemistry returns to its normal state the dynamic of sexual attraction between she and her partner will become altered as well. Couples may suddenly find themselves inexplicably less physically attracted to one another. Waning sexual attraction will often create conflict, hence negatively impacting a relationship.
Fix: If you are on the pill and considering making a life commitment to a partner that entails having children together opt for an alternate contraceptive. This will allow you to accurately test the biological compatibility of your relationship.
OVULATION
2) Ovulation has a fascinating altering effect on a woman. It morphs her facial features by enhancing fullness, making her appear more feminine, a signal of fertility to potential mates. Ovulation will influence a woman to dress in a more provocative, figure flattering way, an unconscious display akin to that of a peacock showing off plumage as a means to allure a mate. Studies have shown that a woman is most likely to have a girls night out, regardless of her relationship status, during ovulation. Ovulation heightens a woman’s sexual desire, making her more prone to one night stands, and straying. Ovulation also alters the type of man a woman finds attractive. When women are not ovulating they tend to prefer men with softer, rounder facial features. Such features signify lower levels of testosterone, which convey to a woman that a man is more apt to be a stable, faithful, nurturing partner and provider. However when a woman ovulates she becomes drawn to men with higher levels of testosterone, with heavier brows, and more angular lined facial bone structure, which convey heightened virility. Ovulation can skew romantic attraction by prompting a woman to act out sexually in way she otherwise would not. It can also cause a woman to be drawn to, and become involved with a man who will make a poor choice for a long term partner.
Fix: The best thing a woman can do is remain mindful of her hardwiring, and the driving motivations behind out of the norm sexually impulsive feelings and actions.
INEBRIATION
3) Imbibing to excess can cause a toad to turn into a Prince, and an ogre into Princess before your eyes. Proverbial beer goggles have lead to many coyote syndrome mornings. When you drink the reward areas of the brain known as the nucleus accumbens and ventral striatum, responsible for mediating sexual attraction, become superstimulated by dopamine. This release of dopamine makes you feel really good. Unfortunately it also makes those who otherwise would never strike you as such, appear to look really good. The compromising of cognitive abilities in this specific region of the brain is responsible for why people end up intimately engaged with those they would not normally look at, let alone touch when stone cold sober. Drinking to excess will skew your normal perception of attraction.
Fix: A simple fix is to not drink yourself stupid. It is also advised to be cautious of the company you keep when drinking, or you may well awake in the morning with breeders remorse, or worse.
D.O.A. ATTITUDE
4) Ironically sometimes a person who is interested in you romantically will exhibit the exact same signs and signals as someone who is completely disinterested in you romantically. Confusing right? This happens when a person has already counted them self out, by presuming the interest they have in you is not mutual. Much like the baseball player whose game was off the entire season isn’t going to be demonstrating on pins and needles anticipation, awaiting the announcement of the seasons MVP, the person who is convinced they have no chance with you romantically won’t display signals of interest. This presumption effectively kills off any romantic possibility through emitting signals of disinterest. A D.O.A attitude will cause one to miss out on potential romantic opportunities.
The Fix: Never put a nail in the coffin of romantic possibility based on presumptions. Stay open minded. A defeatist attitude typically stems from insecurities. It is important to remember not to compare yourself to others. Focus on YOU, and all the positive things you have to offer someone in a relationship. If you do not feel good about yourself take the time to invest in working on your self-esteem.
MISCONSTRUED FRIENDLINESS
5) Studies have shown that our gender impacts our romantic perceptions. Women for instance tend to rate their physical appeal as lower than it actually is, while men on the other hand tend to rate their physical appeal as higher than it actually is. In fact men tend to inflate their perceived appeal all around, a proclivity which can lead to the misinterpretation of a woman’s romantic interest. Studies have shown that men commonly mistake women who are warm, and friendly as being sexually attracted to them. Whereas women on the other hand are more apt to write off a man who is attracted to her, as just being a warm and friendly, rather than being romantically interested in her. These gender skewed perspectives can easily lead to crossed romantic signals between men and women.
Fix: Be mindful of these inclinations when interacting with the opposite sex. Men, if you are interested in a woman and you can’t get a read on her you need to turn it up a notch, and let her know you are interested. Ladies, be mindful of the possibility that there may be more to his friendliness than meets the eye. If you are interested in him flirt with him and find out.
ANTIDEPRESSANTS
6) Millions of people still in their reproductive years are taking antidepressants with selective serotonin-reuptake inhibitors. In the United States, in 2004, sales of antidepressants were cited by Morais, to account for $14 billion dollars of wholesale pharmaceutical revenue. Use of these medications come at another price, the expense of ones romantic and sexual life. The use of serotonin enhancer’s has been reported to cause one or more forms of sexual dysfunction in as many as 73% percent of patients. These dysfunctions hinder sexual desire, lubrication, sexual arousal, genital sensation, erection, ejaculation and orgasm. In addition selective serotonin-reuptake inhibiting medications can cause weight gain, as well as cause emotional blunting.
However Dr. Helen Fisher proposes that serotonin enhancing medications can have a far more reaching effect on the neural correlates of the three primary brain systems for companionate love, male-female attachment, romantic love, sex drive, reproduction, courtship, mating, and pair formation. Serotonin enhancers can not only jeopardize ones ability to fall in love, they can prevent them from being able to maintain a stable long term relationship, due to emotional blunting, and sexual dysfunction prohibiting essential biochemical bonding via intimacy and orgasm.The use of these medications can go so far as to literally sever romantic ties, and snuff out feelings for a long term partner, even in formerly happy relationships.
Use of such antidepressants can also negatively effect a woman’s fertility. “Serotonin increases prolactin levels by inhibiting dopamine activity and stimulating prolactin-releasing factors. Prolactin can impair fertility through several mechanisms, including suppressing hypothalamic gonadotropin-releasing hormone release, suppressing pituitary FSH and LG release, and suppressing ovarian hormone production.” (Hendrick, Gitlin Altshuler & Korenman, 2000) It should also be noted that clomipramine, a particularly strong serotonin-enhancing antidepressant, adversely affects sperm volume and motility, (Maier & Koinig 1994.)
Fix: Be cognizant of the ways in which serotonin-enhancers may be affecting your love life. Discuss medication options with your doctor. There are various antidepressants such as Wellbutrin, which have a very low incidence of sexual dysfunction. If you are already on, or going to go on an antidepressant with serotonin-enhancers make your loved ones aware of the potential side effects so they can inform you if they notice any of the aforementioned significant changes.
Written by Darlene Turner (c) 2011
Love@fromdatetomate.com
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